Greetings…. cards.

A very quick post from me tonight..

I’ve mentioned that I like laughing and I like stupid things that make me laugh.. These greeting cards caught my eye in a shop in Hay-On-Wye when I was visiting a friend over Christmas. I found their website and I absolutely love them.. (Thats a hint friends and family for future Birthdays, Christmas etc)

Choosing the right card for the right person is very important. Sometimes I like heartfelt sentiment in cards that makes me cry when I read them, and sometimes I like nonsense..

On the ladder of creative nonsense, these for me are at the top. I’m quite jealous at whoever came up with them. I want a little bit of their creative mind for myself.

http://www.hazelbee.co.uk/

I hope you enjoy them… because I can’t help but laugh at them..

Advertisements

Beyonce Knowles tribute act!

All the single Kittys, all the single Kittys…

Now put your paws up…

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh….

Some life thoughts and observations

I’m sure I will add to the list as time goes by, but I’ve spent the last 10 minutes jotting down some observations and thoughts….

They are… (In no particular order)…

  • In school, teachers who didn’t want to be bothered always put their tie over their shoulder to make it look like they were in a hurry
  • Everyone will Google their name at some point in their life…. and probably be disappointed with the results
  • Sentences that start with “I’m not being funny.. but”, always end in an insult
  • Tea & toast always taste better when someone else has made it
  • Sometimes, for a split second, you can’t remember if dinosaurs were real or not
  • Every person in the world has fallen up the stairs at least once
  • “I’m fine” is code for “I’m furious with you”
  • Everyone has a pair of old trainers for gardening, and an old t-shirt for painting… and never wears either for each job
  • “It’s fine” is code for “It’s not, and I’ll be bringing it back up at a later date”
  • You’ve subconsciously judged every photo on Facebook of everyone with the same name as you
  • Nobody believes the message on Sky that your remote batteries must be replaced within 10 minutes
  • The three most important words to a child are…. “I’ll time you”

Feel free to add your own……

Top 10 things to do when you’re bored

1. Give yourself a makeover…..

2. Pretend to be a giant (a healthy eating one)…….

3. Pretend your cat has a go go gadget paw (and fights crime with it)…..

4. Find food products on/or in cars…….

Baguette spotted in a car in Normandy

Potatoes found on a car in Bath. Potato!

5. Glue a Hannah Montana cut-out to the hands of a sleeping 35 year old man……

6. Perfect the art of a strong handshake by practising on your cat…..

7. Go on a day trip with a deer……

8. Become a master of disguise…….

9. Pretend your cat is Marlon Brando in the Godfather…….

10. Browse the internet whilst enjoying a drink that sums up who you are…..

Will you write me a poem?

I work in Insurance. In fact, I work in Accounts in Insurance, so opportunities to write don’t come along very often. The day started like any other. Monday blues, polite but rushed conversations about the weekend just passed……..

Then an email pinged through from a friend in another department at about 9.30.

“Will you write me a poem?”

My email back…… “What?. Um, we haven’t got that sort of friendship have we?”

“They’re doing a little competition today. You have to write a poem about the events of 2010. Will you write one for me?”

My email back…… “Hell yeah! I’m in!”

So that is how I spent my morning break today. Writing a poem for my friend about the events of 2010. I’m loving the release I get from blogging, so I’ll exploit any opportunity to write these days. My only stipulation was, if it won, I got to post it on here…

It did!. It won!  So here it is. My light-hearted review of 2010 in a poetry nutshell..

The year 2010, started with a bang

We saw the coldest winter since all records began

February saw Katie Price marry Alex Reid

A marriage made in heaven, or a sham based on greed?

Spring arrived, and many thought ‘We’ll book a trip away’

Iceland put an end to that, as the ash cloud came our way

Then we had an election, live debates all full of lies

The result? The Coalition, which we could grow to despise

Vuvuzelas sounded the summer, Jules Rimet was lifted by Spain

Rumours emerged of an album recording, of Take That with Robbie again

The Autumn brought a story, of human survival and true grit

As the World watched the Chilean miners hoisted from the pit

News of a Royal Wedding next year, began to filter our way,

Great news for all us workers as there’s an extra bank holiday

Matt Cardle won the Xfactor, The bookie’s favourite from the start

Gillian Mckeith fainted daily, like she’d been shot with a poisoned dart

The year ended as it started, with ice and cold and snow

And the threat of Amazon ruining Christmas, for nearly everyone I know

If the wind changes, you’ll have an apple tree growing in your stomach

I’ve already mentioned in an earlier post that I believed there was a lucky boy in Swansea who collected footballs when I was younger, so it got me thinking about other things I believed as a child.

I’ve split it into two sections. Lies I was told as a child that I believed, and explanations I conjured up in my own mind and thought them to be true.

Lies I was told that I believed. Why wouldn’t I?

“If the wind changes, you’ll stay like that”.  Believed it.

“If you eat apple pips, an apple tree will start to grow in your stomach. Believed it.

“Thunder is just God playing the drums”. Believed it.

“If you stand on your head all the blood in your body will fill your brain”. Believed it.

“I’ve got your nose”. Believed it. In fact, some uncle of mine who wasn’t really an uncle, just someone I called uncle has still got my nose.

“I’ve just heard on the news that all the strawberry opal fruits have got poison in them for girls so you’d better give me yours”. My brother told me that one. Believed it.

There are a lot more I’m sure, but I want to move on to ideas and logical explanations I had for things in my childhood mind.

A mind when it was easier to think, yet harder to understand.

A mind before Scepticism set up camp there, met Cynicism, married her, then she moved in too, giving birth to Doubt, Suspicion and Knowledge not long after.

Everything I believed made sense at the time, and seemed the only reasonable, plausible explanation.

Where babies come from

When I overheard conversations like “So and so has had their baby, is was 6 pound 4″…. I used to think that Mammys and Daddys had gone up to Heaven at night to choose their baby and had paid £6.04 for it. I thought Heaven was littered with babies with price tags on them, and you just went up, chose which one you wanted, paid for it and came back down. A simple purchase from God. Once you’d paid for it, it was yours to keep. Forever. I also thought that Heaven looked like my attic because whenever I heard anyone talk about it, they always pointed upwards and gave the impression it was really high up. I knew the sky was high up, but I was more savvy than to think you get babies from the sky! The next highest thing I knew was my attic, so I just presumed that Heaven was everyone’s attic.

Waving or flashing your lights at drivers to say thank you.

Whenever we went on a car journey, I was always amazed at how my Dad always seemed to know where we were going. At the time, my world consisted of my house, in my street. I didn’t know how to get anywhere other than to the top of my road. I used to get quite scared that someday when I grew up, I’d be expected to know how to get to places. What if I got lost?… But then I used to think it’s OK because I’ll know plenty of people everywhere I go, just like my Dad does.

The etiquette of driving is if someone lets you out, or you give way to someone, you or they give a little wave, or a little flash of the lights to say thank you. Just a little grateful acknowledgement. Now, as an adult, this really annoys me when people don’t! As a child when this used to happen, I thought that my Dad had seen someone he knew, because you only wave to people you know. You’re not supposed to speak to strangers, so therefore you’re not supposed to wave to strangers either, or flash your lights at them. You only wave to people you know. I was amazed that my Dad knew so many people wherever we went.

 

Clouds

I  believed that planes could land on clouds, and that’s where people went on holidays. That’s why they always came back with a tan, because they’d been closer to the sun.

The nit nurse

When the nit nurse used to come to school, pull your ribbons and hair slides out and run her horrible aged hands through your hair until she’d made you cry and you couldn’t get a comb through it, I used to think she was evil. Now as an adult, I understand. The nit nurse was indeed evil. But I also believed if a child had eggs in their hair it meant that in a few days they’d hatch. Once they’d hatched they’d have birds nesting and flying around their hair. I thought that would be brilliant.

I’m sure there are a lot more, and I’m hoping this post instigates some childhood memories for those who read it. What crazy things were you told as a child, and what did your wonderfully imaginative, innocent, naive childhood mind believe?

Playing hide & seek with your cats

Right Minnie, Cochen,

I’m going to close my eyes and count to ten, you go and hide……

Off you go…

One……. Two……… Three…….

Hhmmm.....

Four…. Don’t hide in the fridge like last time….. Five…….

Bugger!

Six…….. Seven……. Eight……. I can hear you in the bathroom….

Bugger!

Nine…… Ten…... Coming ready or not…….

Purrfect!

Where on earth could Cochen be!????…..

Not so purrfect

Oh… um… found you Minnie.

I’m sure the cat next door was trying to kill me

I’m an animal lover.

I’m a cat lover especially.

But I find it difficult to love any animal straight from the cavern of hell!

The cat in this video is called Polly, but the cat in this video is the Prince of Darkness masquerading as a feline, and it lived next door to me for years.

Please excuse my potty mouth at the end of the video, but try and remember this cat must have been carved from dust from the Devil’s furnace!

All of the following statements are true….

  • I once came home from work and found Polly’s fur in my fridge
  • Polly used to sit on my garden fence and hiss at me for hours
  • Polly once let me smooth her and then nearly ripped my arm off
  • Polly once stole my car and took it for a joyride

OK, I had no proof for the last one other than the strong smell of catnip in the car, a fish bone and an empty milk carton on the backseat, but I know it was her!

Polly no longer lives next door, and in a peculiar almost Stockholm syndrome way, I miss her!

Trying to remember the colour of your underwear can boost your memory… Maybe..

Forget browsing the internet, Facebook and wandering around the office gossiping. Many hours in the working day can be lost across the world when people try to remember what colour underwear they’ve put on that day…

A simple subconscious task from the morning can become a personal memory game for the afternoon..

I’m not saying this happens to me everyday, but when it does, it’s usually after lunch when I’m at my least productive.

I’m at my desk, attempting to concentrate but then the mind starts to wander.

What shall I have for tea tonight? Shall I go to the gym? Do I need milk? That coffee stain on my desk looks a bit like an albatross if you look at it sideways…

Suddenly I can find myself thinking  ‘what colour underwear did I put on this morning?‘…..

Why can’t I remember?

Try and remember brain… TRY!

If you’re lucky your boss will walk past at this point and think ‘Wow, now that’s a face of concentration’.

Come on brain! THINK! It’s not that difficult… You were the one who put them on…

You could attempt a sneaky peak, but if you’re unlucky,  it will be at that point your boss walks past and sees you with your knicker elastic hanging out…..

The longest I’ve gone before I’ve remembered or given up is about 9 minutes.

Either way – it’s off to the toilets to check for certain.

Try and wait until the toilets are empty. There is something quite unnerving about hearing ‘Ahhh of course! coming from the cubicle next to you, and then seeing someone emerge with a rather ‘pleased with themselves’ look on their face.

Try it… next time your mind starts to wander, do something to boost your memory and play the underwear game…

I suppose the only people this wouldn’t apply to, are those who prefer ‘Going commando‘…. Or as my Dad once mistakenly called it ‘Going Columbo‘….

That amused me for days.